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Posted by bobalob57 on 03-23-2008 at17:30:

  through the eyes of a infidel

Returning from another failed hunt, roars of the dragon echoing in his ears, and the image of his comrades being ripped limb from limb flashed across his mind, bobalob sighed the glory days of the vampire were failing, scores of bloodsuckers, were meeting there end at the base of the white tower, and the other dark shapes which loomed across the hatchery. The older, stronger vampires were slowly dieing out, the ones that remained becoming more and more powerful. EOD was gone to, but had been replaced by COI, with the DB and BOS still battling for power, and the boot camp was still there, educating the lower ranks for warfare, breeding armies so that may rule the underworld. Lower down away, away from the centre, militia groups struggled for power, and the ‘lords’ of each squire constantly ambushed each other, fighting for experience, vengeance and, increasingly more often, the need to survive. On his way back to his squire, and a clan meeting, bobalob was ambushed, by scum from the lower levels of the city, despite his greater strength, bobalob was heavily beaten, the unfamiliar sniper rifle in his hands, becoming the cause for hits failure police arriving in time to drag his battered body away.

Arriving back at his squire, and drinking some of his limited supplies of blood, bobalob, decided to go hunting, to calm himself and release his rage on some poor soulless. As he crouched in the wreckage of one of the infernal machines the mortals called ‘cars’ he heard a sound, the rumbling of an engine. As the car got closer he saw, it was the impudent wretch who had beaten him earlier! Rage rose through his mind, freeing the will to kill, and releasing a terrible bloodlust. Bobalob lept from his den, tearing through the thin metal of the cab and dragging his opponent out, nearly breaking his neck, dodging the bullets sprayed from the scum’s rifle, before severing his arteries with slashes from his twin daggers. Bodyguards and policemen arrived to late to save his opponent, or to catch the victor, who had disappeared into the shadows to feed…

this is my first attempt at writing a story, please tell me what you think

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Posted by Scillage on 03-23-2008 at18:09:

 

Hmm,, I like it, although I feel that you ned to get a spellchecker Try to expand a bit on the fight where you lost, the sceery of the plce where you jumped into the car, and write another chapter Good for a first attempt

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Posted by bobalob57 on 03-23-2008 at18:50:

 

i thaught about what you said and had a go at the fight at the end, were i had won. i no its a little unclear at times, but i wasnt going to include any names, sorry

Leaping from the twisted metal of the ruined car, bobalob drew his twin daggers, tearing through the thin metal of the cab, and grabbing his opponent, throwing him through the opposite door before following after him, the scum steadied himself and eyed bobalob up through the sight, before repeatedly pulling the trigger, releasing a trio of white hot bullets towards bobalob. rolling out the way of the first one, and twisting out the way of the next, he could scarcely think of what was coming next, just managing to bring up his weapon to deflect the third from himself . “F***” he swore, staring at the dent the bullet had made. Struggling to cope with the fresh waves of hatred and rage coursing through him, he only just managed to dodge a hastily loaded fourth bullet; he really should have paid more attention to the tattoos on his opponents arm, the sting on his shoulder would remind him of that for a long time, the bullet had just grazed his arm, tearing open his shirt, and slicing his flesh. Reason gave way to bloodlust, bobalob dived at his opponent, slicing and stabbing wildly, severing the tendons of the scum’s arm with one blow, and slicing open his jaw with the next, before knocking him to the ground with a scissor kick. Too late he noticed the Uzi in his hand, fresh waves of pain shot through him as a hail of metal caught him in the midriff, forcing him backwards, but although it gave his opponent time, it was still too late for him, blood pulsing from a wound in his shoulder, the sight filling bobalob with cravings, and releasing a rage typical of the more savage races, the fight 3ened quickly, bobalob skives were of no concern now, thrusting them into the fools chest he grabbed his head and wrenched it backwards, drawing out the blood and breaking his spine, before dumping the jerking corpse on the floor and slinking off into the darkness to rest.

as for another chapter i will have to think about that

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Posted by Scillage on 03-23-2008 at18:56:

 

Better Very descriptive

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Posted by Mortis on 03-23-2008 at19:07:

 

Quite good for first attempt. Now try to use paragraphs, narrations, direct speech and such things.. the text will be more readable..

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Posted by God_Like_Friend on 05-08-2008 at20:08:

 

quote:

Originally posted by scillage Hmm,, I like it, although I feel that you ned to get a spellchecker

Ned to get a spellchecker Ned!

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Posted by Scillage on 05-08-2008 at22:17:

 

quote:

Originally posted by God_Like_Friend quote: Originally posted by scillage Hmm,, I like it, although I feel that you ned to get a spellchecker Ned to get a spellchecker Ned!

When I posted that I was at my uncles, and the keyboard doesn't like to submit 'e' and 'a' letters.