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Posted by nelacar on 07-04-2008 at01:21:
knock knock
cant think of any atm.
but if you know any jokes whether good or bad or downright lame post them here.
What do you call a very short vampire????
A pain in the knee.
Posted by Raxis on 07-04-2008 at01:41:
....
Knock Knock
Who's there
Atish
Atish who?
No need to sneeze
---------------------
Knock Knock
WHo's there?
Madame
Madame who?
Ma damn hand is stuck in the door so open it
Awful eh?
Posted by necrol on 07-04-2008 at10:24:
Nun gets on a train, theres a skinhead in front of her eating a bag of prawns. he starts spitting the heads at her so she throwsthem out of the window and pulls the emergency cord. skinhead says you'll get fined £50 for that u stupid sl*t, nun says when i cry rape and they smell your fingers you'll get 10 years you prick
got this one on a text made me laugh
Posted by Nhan Ho on 07-04-2008 at15:11:
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Doctor?
Doctor Who?
get it
Posted by Aidensixx on 07-04-2008 at15:27:
i got 2 really bad ones here
man walks into a bar
OUCH
and
2 goldfish in a tank
one says to the other
'How do you drive this thing'
Posted by nelacar on 07-04-2008 at15:31:
Paddy irishman,paddy scotsman,Paddy englishman are sitting in a pub with 3 points in front of them.3 fly's land in each one of their points.
Paddy englishman picks up the fly and pushes his point away.
Paddy scotsman picks up the fly and continues drinking.
Paddy irishman picks up the fly and say's "spit it out ya bastard".
sorry for swearing but cant tell it any other way
Posted by Kalessin on 07-04-2008 at22:04:
sorry - wrong post.
Posted by Cthulhu on 07-04-2008 at22:09:
My fave bad jokes of all time:
Man walks into a butchers & asks for "a kilo of steak & kiddley."
The butchers says "dont you mean kidney"
Man replies, "thats what I said diddle I?"
Two nuns in bath. One says "wheres the soap."
The other says "yes it does, doesn't it."
Nun in the bath, she hears a knock at the door. "Who's there?"
"The blind man"
"Come in, how can I help you?"
"Nice t**ts, where do you want your blind?"
Two tourists driving through Wales.
As they approached Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobtysiliogogogoch, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the name.
They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter one tourist asked the blonde employee, "We're tourists, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"
The girl leaned over the counter and said "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrrr, Kiiiiiiiing."
I'll stop now, I got plenty more...
Posted by Apollo on 07-05-2008 at07:27:
Why did the hedgehog cross the road?
---------------------------------------------------------------------------
---------------
To See his flat mate!
Posted by God_Like_Friend on 07-05-2008 at08:50:
What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade to you?
Pull the pin out and throw it back.
Posted by Raxis on 07-06-2008 at01:13:
Sheer terribleness
Q: How do you get a one-armed irishman out of a tree?
A: Wave at him
---
Q: What do you do if an Irishman throws a pin at you?
A: Run like hell... he has a grenade in his mouth!
---
I take this point to apologise to the Irish here, but what do you expect from an Englishman
Well done on the 'No' vote to the EU treaty by the way
I wish Gord would let us AT LEAST vote
---
Anyways...
---
I was going to meet my girlfriends parents, and she said '... and when they have gone to bed we can 'ave sex.' I thought 'cor blimey, never done that before,' and she was serious.
So we decided that I would go to the pharmacy in town before coming to hers, to buy a box of condoms, she gave me directions but I found an easier one, I was eager after all. So I went in and said to the man at the counter, 'Box of condoms please.'
He replied, 'Have you done it before?'
I said, 'No... I dunno what to do.'
He looked around and decided to close up shop for half an hour to teach me, give advice and the like. By the end I thought I would be an expert, so he asked 'SO now then, would you like a small box, medium, large or family sized?'
'Family sized please, I'm gonna do a lot of sh***ing.'
I went back to my girlfriends and met her parents, I took a trip to buy them something nice first, a bottle of wine. We went in, and an hour later we had dinner, I decided to say grace... I started praying... and praying, and for the next half hour I was praying...
I was praying until my girlfriend said to me, 'I didn't know you were so religious,'
'Well I didn't know your dad was a bloody pharmacist!'
---
A blind man asked me to check his balance at the AMT today, so I pushed him over
I got plenty more
Posted by Serafine on 07-06-2008 at14:45:
Two sausages in a frying pan. One turns to the other and says "gee it's hot in here isn't it". The second one goes "aaaaaaaargggghhhh!!! a talking sausage!".
I am the king of bad jokes. I will let you get over that one first tho.
(What do you get if you cross a brown cow and a brown chicken?)
Posted by God_Like_Friend on 07-06-2008 at15:31:
Two monkeys in a bath, one says 'Oooh Oooh Ah Ah!' other one says 'Well put some cold in then'
Posted by Raxis on 07-06-2008 at18:45:
Any brit will get this instantly:
The wife told me she wanted to go out, her exact words were, 'Take me somewhere expensive.'
I agreed and she got herself all dolled up, make-up, the works.
Then I took her to the petrol station
Posted by nelacar on 07-06-2008 at19:22:
a wife told her husband she wanted a car.
so after goin on and on and on about it the husband gave in and bought her one.
when he showed her the car she looked at him and said"THIS" "This is the car you bought me".
i want something that can go from 0 to 60 in 2seconds.
the husband brought back the car and returned later with a weighing scales.
Husbands says to the wife "jump up on that you fat cow and you ill get to 60 in 2 seconds.
How do you confuse a kerry man??
put four shovels up against a wall and tell him to take his pick.
How do you confuse a kerry man??
bring him to a round tower and tell to stand in the corner.
Posted by God_Like_Friend on 07-06-2008 at19:41:
A woman rings her husband up 'I've been really bored today so I started a jigsaw puzzle but it's really hard can you come and help me?'
Husband comes over, takes a glance at the table. Orange pieces. Odd shapes.
He says 'What's it supposed to be?' 'Um I think a rooster, the box is on the table.'
Husband takes a look, rooster on the box. He says ' Right first put the kettle on because I fancy a drink and second put these corn flakes away'
Geddit?
Posted by honorus on 07-06-2008 at23:08:
ok this joke is kinda sexist and dark so i apologise in advance for anyone offened by this (its not that bad really)...........
what do you tell a woman with 2 black eyes?
nothing she's already been told twice!!
Posted by Raxis on 07-07-2008 at00:42:
heard all of these so far
Try this for awful
How come Darth Vader always ruins christmas?
He can feel your presents!
----
My wife wanted to take the car out with her mates, to an overnight party, I gave in and gave her all the safety lessons and everything, as all men should when a woman is going to drive...
Anyway she left, going to the party, going fine, I told her a lot to be careful with it.
About an hour later the radio came on, 'Recent information says there is a car driving the wrong way down the M11'
I was out of that chair before I heard more, I called up my wife, 'Darling. Just warning you there is a car driving the wrong way down the M11...'
She replied 'They all ****ing are!'
Posted by Raxis on 07-07-2008 at13:22:
What is the best joke ever?
Womens rights
Posted by Cthulhu on 07-07-2008 at13:38:
I was feeling a bit lonely so I decided life would be more fun if I had a pet. So, I went to the pet shop and told the owner that I wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, I finally bought a Centipede which came in a little white box to use for his house. I took the box back home, and decided I would start off by taking my new pet to the pub to have a drink.
So, I asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go down The Queen's Head Pub with me and have a beer?". But there was no answer.
This bothered me a bit, but I waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the pub for a drink?".
But again, there was no answer from my new friend and pet. So, I waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
I decided to ask him one more time; this time putting my face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go
to The Queen's Head Pub and have a drink with me?"
A little voice came out of the box and said - "I heard you the first time! I'm putting my f****ng shoes on."
Posted by honorus on 07-08-2008 at00:56:
- They kinda disgusting but funny hope u enjoy them lol
1) A couple just finished having sex and the girl turns to the guy and says "are you a paedophile?" to which the man responds "thats an awfully big word for an 8 year old"
2) Two necrophiliacs are at work in the morgue. One of them turns to the other and says, "You should have seen this woman they brought in last week. They pulled her out of the water after she'd been there for three weeks. Man, I'm tellin' you, her clit was just like a pickle."
"What," the other asks, "green?".
"No," says the first, " a bit sour."
3) Man goes to the doctor and says "I've got a huge hole in my ass"
The doctors says "drop your pants, bend over and let have a look". "Fuck me!!" says the doctor " what could have made a hole as big as that?"
Patient replies I've been fucked by an elephant".
The doctor says "An elephants penis is long and thin, this hole is enormous".
Patient replies "He fingered me first".
4) Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.
The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"
The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."
Posted by blackcat on 07-11-2008 at11:28:
whats the loudest thing in the world
a skeleton jerking off in a buiscit tin
Posted by warlock619 on 07-11-2008 at11:32:
@raxis: whats a bigger joke than that? women drivers!!
Posted by Serafine on 07-11-2008 at16:04:
A blonde walks into the A&E with her finger shot to pieces. This is the conversation ¬
Doctor: What the hell happened?
Blonede: I tried to commit suicide.
Doctor: By shooting your finger off?
Blonde: No, first I went to shoot myself in the chest, but realised I had paid $6000 for these breasts, I couldn't ruin them.
Doctor: Okay and then?
Blonde: Well then I decided to shoot myself through the mouth, but I just paid $3000 for cleaning these teeth, I couldn't ruin them.
Doctor: So?
Blonde: I decided to shoot myself through the ear, but it would have been noisy so I put my finger in the other ear.
==========================================================
(Not sure if anyone not Irish wil get this but hey)
3 men sitting at the bar. Jesus is sitting all alone in the corner. Mick sends over a Guinness. Short time later, Sean sends over a Fosters. Then sure enough Paddy sends over a beer.
After a while Jesus gets up and goes to thank the men. He lays his hands on Mick and says "Thank you my son", Mick shouts for joy "my arthritis, it's gone". Jesus lays his hands on Sean, "Thank you my son" - Sean shouts "Praise the Lord my Rheumatism is gone"
Jesus goes to lay his hands on Paddy, but Paddy jumps up and runs out shouting "feck off Jesus, I'm on disability"
(no offence intended to anyone claiming disability benefit)
Posted by Shu on 07-19-2008 at01:14:
OK I GOT A JOKE
no offense made if this offends someone sorry
there was a alcoholic a chain smoker and a homo,
they all went to the doctors and got told if they do any of these habits again they will die when they got out they walked past a pub,
the alcoholic ran in and drunk a beer and collapsed dead.....
anyway the homo and the chained smoker carried on walking down a street when they saw a fag on the floor the homo sed to the chained smoker,
if you bend over to pick up the fag we both die......
what you think...?
Posted by nelacar on 07-19-2008 at02:24:
| quote: |
Originally posted by Serafine
(Not sure if anyone not Irish wil get this but hey)
3 men sitting at the bar. Jesus is sitting all alone in the corner. Mick sends over a Guinness. Short time later, Sean sends over a Fosters. Then sure enough Paddy sends over a beer.
After a while Jesus gets up and goes to thank the men. He lays his hands on Mick and says "Thank you my son", Mick shouts for joy "my arthritis, it's gone". Jesus lays his hands on Sean, "Thank you my son" - Sean shouts "Praise the Lord my Rheumatism is gone"
Jesus goes to lay his hands on Paddy, but Paddy jumps up and runs out shouting "feck off Jesus, I'm on disability"
(no offence intended to anyone claiming disability benefit) |
LOL
Posted by Raxis on 07-19-2008 at10:00:
(Apologies to anyone who either did this when drunk, or is actually homosexual [I dont like the word gay, except I have to use it for the joke])
Three gay men walk into a bar, there is one stool to sit on, so they turn it upside down.
----
EDIT:
I got another one.
Man walks into a cake shop, 'Hey can I havea wasp please.'
'We don't sell wasps sir.'
'But there's one in your window'
Awful eh?
Posted by Cthulhu on 07-23-2008 at15:29:
A store that sells new husbands has opened in London, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
BUT the shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.
She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.
'That's nice,' she thinks, 'but I want more.' So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are
Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.
'Holy crap!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.
She is so tempted to stay & buy one, but she needs to know what's on the sixth floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
PLEASE NOTE:
To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.
The first floor has wives that love sex.
The second floor has wives that are nearly naked, love sex, have tons of money and like beer.
The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.
Posted by Raxis on 07-23-2008 at16:23:
Me and my girlfriend were in bed. And I said
'So can we have sex?'
My girlfriend replies, 'No. I just want you to hold me, can't you love me for who I am not what I can do in bed?'
So I took her out the next day to shop, and she was looking at all the jewellery and clothes. And she saw a necklace, paraded around in it for about five minutes. She really liked it...
'Alright you can get me this,' she said...
And I said, 'I just want you to HOLD them, why can't you love me for who I am and not my bank balance?'
We aren't having sex tonight either...
--
It's true is the thing
Posted by nelacar on 07-23-2008 at19:41:
lol some of these are brilliant.
keep it up guys an gals.
Posted by God_Like_Friend on 07-23-2008 at22:01:
Grr Cthulhu keeps posting jokes and I get them by text like the day after. It's annoying lol.
Posted by honorus on 07-23-2008 at22:27:
1. A woman returns home to find her husband blow drying his cock so she asks him,
"what are you doing?"
to which he replies,
"heating up your dinner"
2. A man yells to his wife "come upstairs and look at my clock"
so she walks upstairs only to find him standing naked with his cock out, she says
"thats your cock not a clock"
he smiles and replies, "it'll be a clock when its got 2 hands and a face on it"
Posted by Nosforano on 07-23-2008 at23:07:
Man driving down a narrow road
Woman driving up the same road,
They pass each other, the man winds his window down and shouts "FAT COW",
Woman yells back "BALD PRICK".
Woman then drives around the corner, crashes into a hugh cow and dies.
If only women would bloody listen.
Posted by Nosforano on 07-23-2008 at23:10:
Bloke says to his wife "why don`t you tell me when you orgasm",
His wife replies "I don`t like ringing you at work"
Posted by Raxis on 07-24-2008 at00:17:
One for the ladies
A woman was helping her husband set up a computer, she told him to use a password that he thought would suit him... so he used 'Penis' because he thoguht his was large...
His wife fell off of her chair laughing when the computer said, 'Not long enough'
-------
Why should you never marry a tennis player...
Love means nothing to them.
-------
A gypsy couple are walking out of the divorce court, the now ex-wife is crying...
Her ex-husband turns to her and says, For pete's sake you're still my sister!'
-------
(No offence to muslims, I mean no harm)
A muslim in our street recently doused himself in petrol and set himself alight...
We're having a collection for the family... so far we have eighty litres
-------
Right this one is funny and offensive so I really do apologise, but I nearly wet mysself when I saw it. Rated 'R'
A young lady in the maternity ward just prior to labour is asked by the midwife if she would like her husband to be present at the birth.
"I'm afraid I don't have a husband" she replies
"O.K. do you have a boyfriend?" asks the Midwife "No, no boyfriend either."
"Do you have a partner then?"
"No, I'm unattached, I'll be having my baby on my own."
After the birth the midwife again speaks to the young woman. "You have a healthy bouncing baby girl, but I must warn you before you see her that the baby is black"
"Well," replies the girl. "I was very down on my luck, with no money and nowhere to live, and so I accepted a job in a Porno movie. The lead man was black."
"Oh, I'm very sorry," says the midwife, "that's really none of my business and I'm sorry that I have to ask you these awkward questions but I must also tell you that the baby has blonde hair."
"Well yes," the girl again replies, "you see I desperately needed the money and there was this Swedish guy also involved in the movie, what else could I do?"
"Oh, I'm sorry," the midwife repeats, "that's really none of my business and I hate to pry further but your baby has slanted eyes."
"Well yes," continues the girl, "I was incredibly hard up and there was a little Chinese man also in the movie, I really had no choice."
At this the midwife again apologises collects the baby and presents her to the girl, who immediately proceeds to give baby a slap on the bum. The baby starts crying and the mother exclaims,
"Well thank god for that !"
"What do you mean?" says the midwife, shocked.
"Well," says the girl extremely relieved, "I had this horrible feeling that the little bastard was going to bark!"
Posted by Artoir. on 07-24-2008 at03:41:
Jesus dies and goes up to Heaven. The first thing he does is look for his father, as he has never met the man before and is curious as to what he looks like, and whether or not Jesus looks like his mother or father, etc. He looks high and low but cannot find him.
He asks St. Peter "Where is my father?" But St. Peter says he doesn't know.
He asks the archangel Gabriel "Where is my father?" But Gabriel doesn't know.
He asks John the Baptist "Where is my father?" But John does not know. So he wanders Heaven, impatiently searching.
Suddenly he sees out of the mist an old man coming toward him. The man is very old, with white hair, stooped over a little. "Stop!" Jesus yells. "Who are you?"
"Oh, please help me, I am an old man in search of my son." Jesus is very curious. Could this be his father? "Tell me of your son, old man."
"Oh, you would know him if you saw him. Holes in his hand where the nails used to be, he was nailed to a cross, you know..."
"Father!!!!!" Screams Jesus.
"Pinocchio!!!!!!!" yells the old man
-----------------------------------------------------------
The Pope arrives in heaven, where St. Peter awaites him. St. Peter asks who he is.
The Pope: "I am the pope."
St. Peter: "Who? There's no such name in my book."
The Pope: "I'm the representative of God on Earth."
St.Peter: "Does God have a representative? He didn't tell me ..."
The Pope: "But I am the leader of the Catholic Church ..."
St. Peter: "The Catholic church ... Never heard of it ... Wait, I'll check with the boss."
St. Peter walks away through Heaven's Gate to talk with God.
St. Peter: "There's a dude standing outside who claims he's your representative on earth."
God: "I don't have a representative on earth, not that I know of ... Wait, I'll ask Jesus." (yells for Jesus)
Jesus: "Yes father, what's up?"
God and St. Peter explain the situation.
Jesus: "Wait, I'll go outside and have a little chat with that fellow."
Ten minutes pass and Jesus reenters the room laughing out loud. After a few minutes St. Peter asks Jesus why he's laughing.
Jesus: "Remember that fishing club I've started 2000 years ago? It still exists!"
Posted by God_Like_Friend on 07-26-2008 at19:39:
New information just in!
If you move your eyes left you are retrieving information
If you move your eyes right you are lying and
If you move your eyes left, right, left, right ,left then you're watching tennis.
Posted by Cthulhu on 07-28-2008 at15:53:
Three women, two younger, and one senior citizen, were sitting naked in a sauna.
Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
The young woman pressed her forearm and the beep stopped. The others looked at her questioningly.
'That was my pager, she said. I have a microchip under the skin of my arm.'
A few minutes later, a phone rang.
The second young woman lifted her palm to her ear.
When she finished, she explained, 'that was my mobile phone; I have a microchip in my hand.'
The older woman felt very low tech. Not to be out done, she decided she had to do something just as impressive. She stepped out of the sauna and went to the bathroom.
She returned with a piece of toilet paper hanging from her backside.
The others raised their eyebrows and stared at her.
The older woman said......... 'Well, will you look at that...? I'm getting a fax'!!
Posted by Onaga_4000 on 07-29-2008 at11:46:
| quote: |
Originally posted by Nhan Ho
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Doctor?
Doctor Who?
get it
|
awful
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