---

Posted by Nhan Ho on 07-29-2008 at14:06:

 

well duh

Onaga wheres yours then

---

Posted by Raxis on 08-12-2008 at14:36:

 

It has been proven that dolphins are the smartest of animals, for in a mere matter of days they can teach a human to throw fish to them from the edge of a pool.

---

Posted by bobalob57 on 08-17-2008 at01:21:

  computers

a computer joke, no offence intended

The top six reasons why computers must be female:
6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner.
5. No one but the creator understands the internal logic.
4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
2. The message "Bad Command or File Name" is about as informative as
"If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you".
AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON COMPUTERS ARE FEMALE:
As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half of your paycheck on accessories for it.

i no this could be counted as necro posting, but i didnt want to start a new topic

---

Posted by Serafine on 08-17-2008 at12:55:

 

lol @bobalobs joke. God I hope my Fiance doesn't read these jokes. (I love computers... a bit too much she would say lol)

---

Posted by Evangelion on 08-17-2008 at14:39:

 

If you have a new joke then you can add it to this thread without worrying about necroposting. Only posts like "good joke" a month after the last post would be considered necroposting

Btw. Good joke bobalob

---

Posted by AudatiousTitan on 08-17-2008 at17:06:

 

Not the most tasteful jokes but they're kinda funny


Q: What's the difference between love and herpes?

A: Herpes lasts forever.


Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper?
He sold his soul to Santa.


A hundred prostitutes in Washington D.C. were
asked if they would ever sleep with President
Clinton. 60% said, 'Never again!'

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store
laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's
no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and
once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of
the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk, "If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him
to see where he goes."

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts
cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the
guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.
"Did you follow him? Where did he go?" asks the pharmacist.
The clerk replies "Your house."


What is the definition of ultimate rejection?

Your hand falling asleep while masturbating.

---

Posted by bobalob57 on 08-17-2008 at19:53:

  another computers joke

18 months ago, I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2, which I had used for years without any trouble. However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products, and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 3pm and playboy 6.9.
Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware program, Party Girl 2.1, which I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.
Eventually, I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other, they caused severe damage to my hardware.
I then upgraded to Fiancee 1.0, only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded further to Wife 1.0. While Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources,it does come bundled with Free Sex Plus and Clean House 2004.
Shortly after this upgrade however, I found that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. Then they would resurface months later when I had forgotten about them.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic diary, Explorer and E-mail Filter, and can, without warning, launch TurboStrop and WhingeExcel. These latter files have no help pages, and I have to try and guess what the problem is.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and HairStyle Express which needs to be reinstalled every other week.
Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources.
These conflict with some of the new games i wanted to try out, warning me that they are an illegal operation. Also when wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT hard drive, it often crashes.
Wife 1.0 also comes with a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-law, which can't be turned off.
Recently i've been tempted to install Mistress 2003, but there could be problems. A friend of mine has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2003, it tends to delete all of your money files before uninstalling itself.

Any help on this matter would be most gratefully received.

---

Posted by Raxis on 08-18-2008 at00:01:

 

Lol.

An army captain in Iraq is walking by the barracks, he notices a camel tied up outside and says to the sergeant, 'What's a camel doing there?'

The sergeant replies, 'Well sir, the men get urges, no women abd all on the camp,' so the captain walks off.

A month later he is getting these uges, so he goes outside behind the camel, drops his trousers and has sex with it.

'Sergeant, is that how the men do it?' he says proudly.

'Nah. They normally ride it into town to find a woman sir.'

---

Posted by Lysandra on 08-19-2008 at01:02:

 

I don't mean to offend but just got this in an e-mail:
Male or Female? You might not have known this...but a lot of non-livingobjects are actually either male or female. Here are some examples:
FREEZER BAGS: They are male, because they hold everything in...but youcan see right through them.
PHOTOCOPIERS: These are female, because once turned off...it takes awhile to warm them up again. They are an effective reproductive device if the right buttons arepushed...but can also wreak havoc if you push the wrong Buttons.
TIRES: Tires are male, because they go bald easily and are often overinflated HOT AIR BALLOONS: Also a male object... because to get them to goanywhere...you have to light a fire under their butt.
SPONGES: These are female...because they are soft.....squeezable andretain water.
WEB PAGES: Female...because they're constantly being looked at and frequentlygetting hit on.
TRAINS: Definitely male... because they always use the same old linesfor picking up people.
EGG TIMERS: Egg timers are female because...over time...all the weightshifts to the bottom.
HAMMERS: Male... because in the last 5000 years.....they've hardlychanged at all...and are occasionally handy to have around.
THE REMOTE CONTROL: Female. Ha! You probably thought it would bemale...but consider this: It easily gives a man pleasure, he'd be lostwithout it...and while he doesn't always know which buttons to push...he just keeps trying.

I'm going to have to root through my e-mail for more...lol. and bobalob, awesome jokes...I love the comuter one....lol

---

Posted by Raxis on 08-21-2008 at00:05:

 

I apologise for how awful this is, but it made me laugh...

Recently Bob Marley was complaining about the doughnuts in heaven... they had no Jammin

---

Posted by Ba_al on 08-21-2008 at01:23:

 

@Raxis
ROFL.

ha ha these jokes are very funny.

some of them dirty but v.funny

---

Posted by Tempest on 09-05-2008 at16:12:

 

My other half came home the other day & said
"I just had a complete stranger ask if I liked legs or breasts best, so I said pussy, but they said that's not an option in a Bargain Bucket"

---

Posted by Raxis on 09-24-2008 at23:29:

 

Whats green and smells of yellow paint?
Green paint

What's green and runs around your garden?
The Hedge

---
I went to a gypsy fortune teller, and she told me a lot of my was coming my way very soon... of course I was happy, I skipped out of the tent with a smile on my face.... then I was run over by a securicor van

---

Posted by diablo on 09-25-2008 at00:25:

 

Why did the condom hit the wall?
He was pissed off.

---

Posted by Artoir. on 09-25-2008 at01:08:

 

This could go horribly wrong.. but sure..


NEWS FLASH

Athletes at the paralympics have been caught using banned substances!
At least 4 competitors have been found with traces of WD-40..

---

Posted by Raxis on 09-25-2008 at01:28:

 

Heard both of those

two oranges walked into a bar, the first said to the other

'You're round'


----

I called the local council builders and said

'can I have a skip outside my house please?'

The man replied,

'I'm not stopping you'

---

Posted by Evangelion on 10-18-2008 at12:07:

 

Why is that when you speak to the God it's called a prayer and when the God speaks to you it's schizophrenia?

---

Posted by nelacar on 10-18-2008 at13:26:

 

haha..that will be useful when those ppl knock at your door wanting to talk bout jebus(or jepeto) whatevers hes called.

---

Posted by DeathRanger on 10-18-2008 at16:16:

 

What's the definition of "DNA"?

National Dyslexic Association

---

Posted by faceeater on 10-18-2008 at16:39:

 

whats blue and orange and lies at the bottom of a swimming pool?

a kid with popped armbands.

---

Posted by God_Like_Friend on 10-18-2008 at16:52:

 

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a truck, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff.

The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it.

Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing.

He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires.
He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down.

He asks, What's so funny? She says, When you weren't looking I stepped out of the circle 3 times!

---

Posted by Evangelion on 11-07-2008 at13:15:

 

A redneck is sitting in a bar, drinking, minding his own business, when all of a sudden a large asian man leans over and knocks him clean off the bar stool and onto the floor. The asian says, "That was a karate chop from Korea". The redneck is mad. but he gets back up on the stool and starts drinking again peacefully. All of a sudden, the asian hits him down again and says, "That was a judo chop from Japan". The redneck has had enough of this. He gets up, brushes himself off and leaves quietly. The redneck is gone for an hour or so before he returns. Without saying a word, he walks up behind the asian and bangs him off his stool, knocking him out cold. The redneck looks at the bartender and says, "When he wakes up, tell him that was a crowbar from K-Mart".


A first-grade class in Brooklyn comes in from recess. The teacher asks Sarah: "What did you do at recess?". Sarah says, "I played in the sand box". The teacher says, "That's good. Go to the blackboard, and if you can write 'sand' correctly, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie". She does and gets a cookie. The teacher asks Timmy what he did at recess. Timmy sayd, "I played with Sarah in the sand box". The teacher says, "Good, if you write 'box' correctly on the blackboard, I'll give you a fresh baked cookie". Timmy does and gets a cookie. The teacher then asks Mohammed what he did at recess. He says, "I tried to play with Sarah and Timmy, but they threw rocks at me". The teacher says, "They threw rocks at you? That sounds like blatant racial discrimination. If you can go to the blackboard and write 'blatant racial discrimination' correctly, I'll give you a cookie."

---

Posted by Pops on 11-07-2008 at19:37:

 

picked gerkin talking to a penis.

gerkin: when i get big fat and juicy, they cut me up, put me in a jar for ages then chew me up

penis: when i get big and fat the put a bag over my head, put me in a dark damp rom and bang my head against the wall till i throw up and pass out
...................................................................

WANTED
.................

lazy, short of money, dont want to get out of bed? perfect job for you!!! earn ££££££ in bed all day every day!!!!!

call jimmy "the pimp" johnson on ////////////////

---

Posted by Raxis on 11-08-2008 at01:04:

 

WANTED:

A charity pancake organisation is looking for a tosser, I thought you'd be interested

---

Posted by Pops on 11-08-2008 at01:14:

 

doctor! doctor i keep getting migranes what do i do?

doctor: i used to get them and this is what i did. have a hot bath and take some painkillers, then get out and f**k my wife as hard and long as i can, then i was too tired to think about pain.

a week passes and the patient goes back

patient: it worked thank you!!! but who's that in the picture on ur fireplace?

---

Posted by Raxis on 11-08-2008 at01:19:

 

I heard that as a boss joke lol,

Bin man comes to the door and asks a japanese man (Sorry for any offence this may cause)

'Where's your wheelie bin?'

the jap replies, 'I bin in da loo.'

'No where's your wheelie bin.'

To which he hears, 'I weally bin in da loo.'

'No you don't get it, where is your wheelie bin.'

'Hokay wheelie bin havin a w*nk'

---

Posted by Pops on 11-08-2008 at01:24:

 

dude that made me chuckle.

american, italian and a korean on a plane far away from home. american announces " i made love to my wife 3 times last night, and his morning she came to wave me off as we went"

the italian says " i made love to my wife 7 times last night and this morning she told me how she could never love another man"

the korean said " well i only made love to my wife once last night." so the american and italian started laughing. the korean said " ya know what she said this morning?" the other 2 looked at each other. korean said "my wife just said dont stop"

---

Posted by Raxis on 11-08-2008 at02:28:

 

A frenchman an italian and a geordie are having a discussion about sex.

the frenchman says, 'When I have finizhed making loves to my wifez, I tickle her back lightly and she floatz an inch above ze bed.'

The italian says in return, 'A it'sa nothin, when I finisha makin a love to my wife I kiss her, and she floats sixa inches above the bed in ecstasy.'

the Geordie then says, 'Tha' it?! When i finished shagging wor lass and I wipe me knob on the curtains she hits the roof!'

---

Posted by Pops on 11-08-2008 at02:33:

 

lol.

dear sir,
we regret to inform you that your birth was a mistake. please return to the hospital of your birth to be put down. sorry for any inconvenience caused

---

Posted by Raxis on 11-13-2008 at00:01:

 

Three guys were in a car in a storm and it broke down.

They had broken outside of a famryard, and so they went and klnocked upon the door.

'Aye, what ye be wanting,' said the farmer as he answered.

'We broke down and need a place to stay,' they said.

'Well I have one bed only.'

SO they took it, they weren't worried.

In the night they all dreamed, and when the heard 'Cock a doodle doooo!' one of them jumped and went, 'Bloody hell what was that.'

his mate replied, 'A duck, they do that in the mornings.'

'But I was having a lovely dream, some blonde with perky breasts and great big blue eyes was giving me a handjob, and it was divine, we were on a beach and everything.'

he was on the right, and the one on he left replied, 'Deja vu! I havd the same dream, but she was brunette.'

They then asked him in the middle, 'Did you dream it too?'

To which he replied, 'Nah. I was skiing...'

---

Posted by Raxis on 11-20-2008 at00:44:

 

Sorry for multi, but I wanna keep this thread alive.

is there no way it can be stickied?

----
Bloke says to his wife "why don`t you tell me when you orgasm",

His wife replies "I don`t like ringing you at work"
----
A gypsy couple are walking out of the divorce court, the now ex-wife is crying...

Her ex-husband turns to her and says, For pete's sake you're still my sister!'
----
A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "I bet you that I can bite my eye."

Bartender: "No, you can't!"

Guy: "Oh, but I can! Bet you $100!"

Bartender: "Fine, lets see it."

So, the guy takes his glass eye out, bites it and collects his $100 to get drunk. Later he comes back and says, "Bartender, I bet choo I can bite my udder eye!"

Bartender: "You cannot, there's no way you have two glass eyes."

Guy: "Well, then accept the bet and collect $200!"

Bartender: "Alight, fine."

So the guy takes out his false teeth and bites his other eye. Collecting his money, he goes and drinks so more. A good couple hours later, the guy comes back completely totally wasted. "Bartensher, I bet choo $1000 I can piss from here into a cup at the uder end of bar without a drop landing on the bar."

Bartender: "You're drunk, there is no way you can do that."

Guy: "No, I can do it, set up a glass."

Bartender: "You better have my thousand dollars."

The bartender sets a glass up, and the guy pisses all over the bar. Smiling the bartender looks over at the guy who starts laughing.

Bartender: "What are you laughing about? You just lost the bet!"

Guy: "Yea, but I bet those guys $5000 that I could piss all over your bar without you getting angry!"
----

---

Posted by Ba_al on 03-30-2009 at08:12:

 

A man cooks Deer for dinner but didnt want to tell his kids what it is.
He gives them a clue" its what mum calls me sometimes"

"the little girl cries"

"dont eat it!!! its a bum hole!!!!

---

Posted by Cthulhu on 03-30-2009 at13:14:

 

quote:

Originally posted by nemoralis Ba_al: warning for swearing.

Awww Nem, the joke is ruined now - I'm trying to work out what the punchline is & I can't get it?

---

Posted by nemoralis on 03-30-2009 at14:07:

 

Cthulu: i've edited it: that was suggested as a possible clean version of it.

---

Posted by Hayz_M on 03-30-2009 at16:22:

 

quote:

This could go horribly wrong.. but sure.. NEWS FLASH Athletes at the paralympics have been caught using banned substances! At least 4 competitors have been found with traces of WD-40..

erm LOL XD

quote:

A man cooks Deer for dinner but didnt want to tell his kids what it is. He gives them a clue" its what mum calls me sometimes" "the little girl cries" "dont eat it!!! its a bum hole!!!!

haha I know the original lmao XD

In a fancy Paris restaurant, there is a magical wish-granting mirror. But it only grants wishes if you tell the truth -- if you lie, you disappear. One day, a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead enter the restaurant and decide to try out the mirror. The brunette goes first.
"I think I'm the smartest woman on earth."

"POOF!" She disappears. The redhead goes up to try. p> "I think I'm the prettiest woman on earth."

"POOF!" She disappears. The blonde goes up.

"I think--"

"POOF!"



----------------------------------

Q: What do you get when a 6-foot blonde bends over?

A: A 3-foot brunette.

lol

---

Posted by Raxis on 03-31-2009 at01:34:

 

I apologise in advance:

98% of male scousers said in a survey that they liked sex in the shower.

The other 2% haven't been to prison yet.

-----

Ex is teasing wife's new husband.

"How's the second hand cat"

"Great! After 2 inches it's brand new"

[Think of another word for cat]
-----

Maths teacher says to essex girl, " waht comes after 69?"

She Replies, 'You rinse your mouth with listerine and wash your face... duh!"

----
Simon goes on stars in their eyes.
Matthew Kelly notices, despite having two legs, he's in a wheel chair.

"What happened?"

Simon replies, "Well me and my uncle were in a car crash the other week, he died, and I survived but lost both my legs, they were amputated. They then used my uncles legs and grafted them onto me, in six months time I'll be able to walk."

Matthew says, "That's amazing.... so tonight Simon, who are you going to be?"

"Tonight Matthew, I'm going to be...... Simon and Halfuncle"

---

Posted by Hayz_M on 03-31-2009 at08:02:

 

quote:

Maths teacher says to essex girl, " waht comes after 69?" She Replies, 'You rinse your mouth with listerine and wash your face... duh!"

sounds like the girls here >.<

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mailbox. She opened it then slammed it shut and stormed back into the house. A little later she came out of her house again, went to the mailbox and again opened it, and slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she came out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is something wrong?”

To which she replied, “There certainly is!”

My stupid computer keeps saying, “You’ve got mail!”

---

Posted by nemoralis on 03-31-2009 at12:24:

 

Since this thread has been revived, please remember that swearing is prohibited on the boards. Also please remember that there are children that play this game and let the jokes you place here reflect this.

Thank you,
Nemo.

---

Posted by Biteme878 on 04-10-2009 at20:53:

 

i got loads
so will everyone who knows my father


ill launch a couple down


heard about halfords sale this christmass

yeaah . . . .

the taglines this is the winter of our discount tents

________________________________________________

Waiter waiter theres a fly in my soup

whats he doing ??

backstroke .

_______________________________________________

Blonde who died her hair brunette drives past a field full of sheep
decides she wants one
pulls over to the farmer and asks him can i have a sheep if i can guess the exact number of sheep in your flock ?
farmer says yeah . . . . go for it
Blonde says 146
farmer goes
Crickey your right go ahead take one

just as she gets in the car
farmer goes
If i can guess the natrual colour of your hair
can i have my dog back please ??

______________________________________________

Guess who i walked into in the opticians the other day ??

everyone
______________________________________________

---

Posted by oh_teh_noes on 04-10-2009 at21:11:

 

knock knock.
...
knock knock.


knock knock, max its me.
knock knock, max?
MAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAX????????