Sidneykidney
Junior Member
Registration Date: 01-10-2008
Posts: 24
Location: Scotland, UK
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| Proof of intelligence (normal) |
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I'll post some small suggested changes to this quest- hope it helps. Words I add are in green, words i'd suggest removing are in red. General comments appear in light blue. Sorry for the long post. If you prefer me to not post these/pm these to someone privately then please tell me. cheers
Proof of intelligence
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Hard frost, snow and frost again. THIS FIRST SENTENCE SEEMS DISJOINTED. I'D SUGGEST INSTEAD SOMETHING LIKE 'A COLD HARD FROST LAY ON THE GROUND' OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT. As far as you remember there HAD never been A winter like this. You started to wonder what devil HAD tempted you to wander outside of the City during such a horrible tempest? Your watch had ceased to tick STOPPED IS EASIER AND SOUNDS BETTER a couple of hours ago. You were not even aware whether it was day or night. At least sunrise would not harm you because of that terrible weather.
Suddenly a strange scene heaved in sight - A familiar looking marble floor. In the midst of it someone had placed a pillar with a purse as a reward for your time and knowledge. But you were sick of all those prizes. Only things ALL you wanted were answers to your questions. You started moving steadily, yet quickly, towards the centre. As soon as you touched those objects, everything vanished...
Nothing remained of that emptiness outside. The place you entered resembled some kind of an apartment. A White shining ball (reminding you of those that old gypsies had used before the Great War) was floating in the air.
'Where am I?', you asked yourself, but no words formed inside your mind. You tried to repeat that question aloud, yet everything you found out was that you could not make even the smallest noise. ONLY TO FIND YOURSELF UNABLE TO MAKE A SOUND. Your attempts to take a closer look to AT that room came into TO nothing. When you drew nearer to the walls, they seemed as though they were receding.
You had no other choice - with great fury you tried to smash the shining ball, but... your hand went through it and did not leave a single crack on its surface. Frustrated, you sat on the floor only to observe as WATCH the ball freely descended to your knees. A Bright glow drew your attention, AND suddenly you felt that somewhere inside of that brilliance was an image. You nailed FOCUSED your eyes on it and... you had a feeling of something approaching you from far away with enormous speed.
You saw yourself during an ambush. THE Bandits had A spy among THE villagers. One of the thugs was to WOULD take you by surprise from behind and kill YOU, but a non-existent branch cracked up AN UNSEEN BRANCH BROKE BUT UNSEEN BRANCH SEEMS ALTOGETHER WRONG AS A BRANCH WOULD BE TOO BIG beneath his feet and saved your life. Consecutive images FLASHBACKS were flooding your consciousness - childhood, parents, the metamorphosis...
'I told you he would understand', A strange voice echoed in your mind.
'Silence!', some other voice scolded him.
You found yourself returning into the ball, images flowing one after another, merging. You had an impression of watching ten, twenty, hundreds of movies HUNDREDS OF MOVIES DOESNT SEEM AT ALL RIGHT at the same time.
Darkness. Small trickles of blood flowed from your eyes and ears.
'I told you he's not ready yet', said the man...
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Wasnt that colourful? Sorry if i'm just nit-picking. If it helps then cool. If not delete thread. PM me if you do though.
Cheers
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Giggidy Giggidy Giggidy!!!
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