Gendibal
Viking
Registration Date: 03-17-2007
Posts: 561
Location: Lancashire, UK
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| Proof of Perception (normal) |
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Original version:
Proof of perception
They were following you since you left the City. You were unable to see them properly, but you were sure that they were there. They were really good, didn't lose track for more than a couple of minutes despite of your efforts.
Unexpected rainstorm, one of the miracles of new seasons, which were the effect of usage of nuclear weapons during World War III, let you surprise them. Fast hit decapitated first enemy before he had time to react. Second one was defending only for a second. Not till then saw you that these were werewolves, dreadful beasts, able to stand up to vampire with their sharp claws.
Lupine metamorphosis is wonderful, but also frightening view. You had once spotted that, but only from wolfman to human. This time you saw the second part of werewolves' nature. In no time an enormous beast stood in front of you. Ultimate killing machine.
Fight raged. Fast strikes and even faster dodges. A moment later it was all over. Werewolf lay on the ground, waiting for the last blow.
You didn't know why you left him lying with his face twisted in anger.
The following night someone was following you. When you stopped and pitched a camp, the stranger came into light of a fire.
'My name is Aral', he said and threw you a big package. An instant later he vanished in the darkness. Now you understood what had made you save his life last night. He looked so much like Zia...
Suggested Changes:
Proof of perception
They had been following you since you left the City. Although you were unable to see them properly, you were sure that they were there. They were really good, and didn't lose track for more than a couple of minutes despite of your best efforts.
An unexpected rainstorm, one of the miracles of the new seasons, which were the effect of the usage of nuclear weapons during World War III, let you surprise them. A fast hit decapitated first enemy before he had time to react, and the other was defending for only a second. Not till then did you see that these were werewolves, dreadful beasts able to stand up to vampire with their sharp claws.
Lupine metamorphosis is wonderful, but also frightening view. You had once seen that, but only from wolfman to human. This time you saw the second part of the werewolves' nature. In no time an enormous beast stood in front of you. The ultimate killing machine.
Fight raged. Fast strikes and even faster dodges. A moment later it was all over, and the werewolf lay on the ground, waiting for the last blow.
You didn't know why you left him lying with his face twisted in anger.
The following night someone was following you. When you stopped and pitched camp, the stranger came into the light of your fire.
'My name is Aral', he said and threw you a big package. An instant later he vanished in the darkness. Now you understood what had made you spare his life last night. He looked so much like Zia...
Also the 'a' has been removed from 'pitched a camp'
Only small changes, but adds to the 'storytelling style of the quest text, I'll post more as I get them.
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Back for a while.
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